WASHINGTON — Conservative commentator Tucker Carlson announced the formation of a new political party Thursday, promising to finally deliver on every campaign pledge Donald Trump ever made, no matter how contradictory, logistically impossible, or rhetorically flexible.
The party, officially named the “Everything Trump Promised He Would Do” Party, or ETPHD for short, held its inaugural press conference in a mid-sized ballroom at a Marriott outside the Beltway. Attendees received red hats embroidered with the slogan “This Time For Real.”
“We’re not here to reinterpret, contextualize, or walk anything back,” Carlson told reporters while sipping from a branded Yeti tumbler. “If Trump said it on the trail, it’s now party doctrine. Mexico is paying for the wall. Infrastructure week starts next Tuesday. And yes, we’re still looking very seriously at that whole ‘beautiful healthcare’ thing.”
Party officials distributed a 47-page platform document that consists entirely of verbatim Trump rally quotes arranged chronologically, with no additional policy analysis. Highlights include a firm commitment to “draining the swamp until it’s so dry you could build condos on it,” immediate repeal and replacement of Obamacare with “something terrific,” and the mass deportation of “millions and millions” of individuals to be determined later by vibe.
When asked how the party intends to overcome congressional gridlock, filibusters, court challenges, and basic arithmetic, Carlson shrugged. “Trump said he alone could fix it. We’re just the party that believes him.”
Early endorsements have trickled in. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene called the platform “extremely based and long overdue.” Senator Rand Paul expressed cautious support, noting that “if we interpret ‘repeal and replace’ as ‘do neither forever,’ we might already be in compliance.” Former Trump advisor Roger Stone described the launch as “genius” before immediately claiming he had suggested the idea first in 2015.
Critics were less impressed. A spokesman for the Republican National Committee called the new party “unhelpful” and “divisive,” adding that traditional GOP voters already enjoy the experience of promises being made and then creatively fulfilled through executive Twitter activity. Democratic officials dismissed the effort as “MAGA cosplay for people who found the original too moderate.”
Polling released by the party’s own internal analytics wing shows ETPHD drawing 3% support among likely voters, a figure Carlson described as “tremendous” and “probably rigged low by the same people who stole 2020.”
The party has already scheduled its first major event: a national “Infrastructure Week Celebration and Drain the Swamp Barbecue,” to be held simultaneously in every state that Trump carried twice. Tickets are $500, with proceeds going toward legal defense funds for future unfulfilled promises.
Carlson closed the press conference by staring directly into the camera for a full 14 seconds. “This isn’t about nostalgia,” he said. “It’s about competence. The American people were promised certain things. We intend to remember what those things were.”
He then walked off stage as staffers handed out commemorative mugs reading “Covfefe 2028.”
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