Pandemonium, HELL — In a development that has left the infernal high command scratching its collective horns, the Prince of Darkness has ordered a full internal investigation into a mysterious outbreak of wars throughout the underworld.
According to sources close to the throne room, Satan convened an emergency meeting with his top lieutenants after noticing coordinated battles erupting in every circle of Hell, from the frozen wastes of Cocytus to the boiling tar pits of the Malebolge. Initial reports indicated heavy casualties among the already deceased, with demons filing frantic complaints about “excessive warmongering” and “needless escalation.”
Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies and newly appointed Director of Infernal Stability, was placed in charge of the probe. Early findings pointed to no obvious geopolitical triggers—no fresh heresies, no sudden uptick in gluttonous resource disputes, and no unusual activity from the labor unions in the lower bureaucracy.
The breakthrough came during a routine review of recent arrivals.
“We’ve been waiting awhile,” said an elated Lucifer, according to transcripts obtained by the Infernal Times. “So happy Lindsey finally joined our team, but I just hope he stops provoking war all over Hell. It’s getting pretty annoying down here!”
The longtime South Carolina senator and perennial foreign policy hawk, who passed into the great beyond earlier this week, was immediately recognized by senior devils as the likely catalyst. Staff described Graham as having “hit the ground lobbying,” reportedly spending his first hours in eternity buttonholing minor demons about the strategic necessity of opening new fronts against Purgatory and demanding increased military aid packages for the legions of the damned.
One mid-level imp, speaking on condition of anonymity because he feared reassignment to the paperwork department, said Graham had already proposed a “bipartisan” resolution calling for preemptive strikes on neutral sections of the Styx and the formation of a Hellish expeditionary force to “liberate” the outer darkness.
“He keeps talking about ‘credibility’ and ‘deterrence’ and how if we don’t fight them in the seventh circle, we’ll have to fight them in the eighth,” the imp sighed. “We’ve been at this for literal eternities. The guy’s relentless.”
Satan’s office issued a terse statement acknowledging the senator’s arrival while urging him to “dial back the enthusiasm just a notch.”
“Lindsey brings valuable experience to our ranks,” the statement read. “We look forward to his contributions in the areas of ambition, sanctimony, and finding new enemies. We would, however, appreciate it if he would allow the existing conflicts to simmer down to a dull roar before launching fresh ones.”
At press time, Graham was said to be in closed-door meetings with Mephistopheles, drafting legislation to expand the Lake of Fire’s naval capabilities and exploring the possibility of regime change in the neutral zone between Hell and Limbo.
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