In a stunning blow to common sense and decades of well-established tinfoil-hat wisdom, a new poll has revealed that a growing 10% of Americans still dare to entertain the wild, baseless conspiracy theory that the Central Intelligence Agency did not assassinate President John F. Kennedy. Conducted by the prestigious Pew Pew Institute, the survey has left experts scratching their heads and conspiracy theorists reaching for their emergency snack stashes.
The poll, which surveyed 1,000 random Americans found that this large minority actually believes the official narrative: that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone on November 22, 1963, in Dallas. “It’s absolutely preposterous,” scoffed Dr. Melvin Quackmire, a self-proclaimed expert in shadowy government plots and author of 50 Shades of Grassy Knoll. “Everyone knows the CIA orchestrated the whole thing with a magic bullet, a weather balloon, and a cameo from Bigfoot. These 10% must be sipping Kool-Aid instead of decoding the Zapruder film.”
The findings come at a time when the nation is still reeling from President Trump’s recent release of JFK files, which—surprise!—pointed the finger at Iran and a camel-powered time machine (see our previous article for the full absurdity). Yet, despite this irrefutable evidence, 100 million Americans (the other 90%) remain steadfast in their belief that the CIA pulled the trigger, citing such rock-solid proof as “vibes” and “my uncle’s cousin saw a guy in a trench coat once.”
Poll respondents who fell into the 10% “denial” camp offered laughable excuses for their heresy. “I just think Oswald did it because, you know, he had a rifle and motive,” said Jane Doe, a 34-year-old accountant from Ohio, clearly unaware of the CIA’s alleged mastery of time-traveling snipers. Another respondent, John Smith, a 52-year-old truck driver, added, “I read the Warren Commission report, and it seemed… thorough?”—prompting a collective gasp from the conspiracy community, who promptly canceled his subscription to The Truth Is Out There newsletter.
Social media erupted with outrage, with X users lambasting the 10% as “sheeple” and “history dropouts.” One popular post read, “10% of Americans think the CIA didn’t kill JFK? Time to check their birth certificates—probably planted by the deep state!” Another quipped, “Maybe they’re the ones who believe Trump’s Iran-camel story—same level of crazy!”
Experts suggest this stubborn minority might be influenced by a lack of exposure to the finer points of conspiracy lore, such as the CIA’s rumored partnership with Elvis Presley or the secret moon base where the real files are stored. “It’s a sad day when 10% of our population rejects the obvious,” lamented Quackmire. “Next, they’ll tell us the moon landing wasn’t staged or that taxes aren’t a government plot to fund alien abductions.”
The IRSP plans to follow up with a deeper dive into this phenomenon, including a study on whether these 10% also believe water is wet and the Earth is round. Until then, the 90% majority will continue to guard the sacred flame of skepticism, secure in the knowledge that the CIA’s fingerprints are all over Dealey Plaza—probably with a side of ranch dressing.
In related news, a separate poll found 85% of Americans believe the Tooth Fairy is a CIA operative, so at least some sanity prevails.
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