NEW YORK CITY — In a press conference held amid swirling snow flurries and the faint scent of victory (or possibly just frostbitten sanitation workers), Mayor Zohran Kwame Mamdani triumphantly announced that his administration has finally cracked one of the city’s most persistent crises: homelessness.
“I know it’s early in my term,” the mayor told a room full of shivering reporters and enthusiastic aides, “but to solve one of the biggest problems New York faces is Trump-level success—minus the spray tan and the tweets, of course.” He paused for applause that arrived slightly delayed, possibly due to numb fingers.
The breakthrough, according to City Hall insiders, came courtesy of a single additional arctic blast that swept through the five boroughs last week. With temperatures plunging well below zero and wind chills flirting with life-threatening territory, the mayor’s innovative “natural attrition” approach appears to have delivered results faster than even the most optimistic projections.
“If we can just get one more really cold front to come through,” Mamdani continued, gesturing expansively toward a window frosted over like a budget spreadsheet, “I’m sure the homeless problem will be gone for good. Then I can finally move on to the garbage problem. Priorities, people.”
Never one to let a good crisis go to waste—or in this case, to let it thaw—Mayor Mamdani unveiled his next-phase plan: repurposing the ongoing trash pileup to address the sudden surplus of… remains.”
By using the garbage for cremation,” he explained to a gallery of laughing and cheering media members (several of whom appeared to be practicing for open-mic night), “I kill two birds with one stone. No pun intended!” He waited for the laughter to crest before adding, “Another socialist win-win!”
The proposal has already drawn praise from progressive allies who called it “bold,” “innovative,” and “definitely not what anyone meant by ‘circular economy.’” Critics, meanwhile, have raised concerns about air quality, public health, and basic human decency, but the mayor dismissed them as “out-of-touch centrists who probably own more than one coat.”
City officials confirmed that preliminary tests—conducted in a Midtown alley behind a halal cart—showed promising results: high flames, low emissions (relatively speaking), and a faint aroma of burnt cardboard and existential regret.
As the mayor wrapped up the briefing, he flashed his trademark grin and waved to constituents huddled under blankets across the street. “New Yorkers,” he declared, “we’re not just surviving the winter—we’re solving it. One degree at a time.”
The next cold snap is forecast for later this week. City Hall remains cautiously optimistic.
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