Tehran, Iran — In a scathing internal review leaked to Western intelligence agencies (and promptly posted on a public Telegram channel titled “IRGC Bargain Bin Blues”), senior officers of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps expressed profound disappointment with their latest drone acquisitions, reportedly sourced from the popular e-commerce platform Temu.
Sources within the IRGC Aerospace Force, speaking on condition of anonymity because complaining about budget cuts is still frowned upon, described the shipment of 1,200 “Shahed-136 Compatible Knockoff” drones as “not living up to the advertised five-star rating.”
“The listing promised ‘battle-tested endurance’ and ‘precision-guided vengeance,’” one colonel reportedly fumed in a memo. “Instead we got units that lose GPS lock over friendly territory, engines that sound like asthmatic lawnmowers, and warheads that sometimes detonate on launch with all the enthusiasm of a wet firecracker.”
The review in full:
1-Star Review: “Shahed-136 ‘Patriot Edition’ Long-Range Suicide Drone – Bulk Pack of 50”
Reviewed by: Brig. Gen. H. Rezaei, IRGC Aerospace Force Procurement Division
Purchased: 14 November 2025 via Temu App (Free Shipping + Mystery Gift)
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
Would NOT recommend to friends, enemies, or even the ZionistsI am writing this review from a secure bunker because half my inventory decided to celebrate arrival by catching fire in the hangar. When the listing said “battle-proven design, 2,000+ km range, martyr-grade precision,” I assumed — foolishly — that the seller was at least vaguely familiar with basic aerospace engineering. What arrived instead appears to be a collection of discount lawnmower parts duct-taped to a very angry RC toy. Pros:
- Arrived faster than promised (only 47 days late)
- Came with free roll of “military-grade” clear packing tape (already half used to reattach left wing)
- One unit included bonus keychain shaped like a tiny martyr
Cons:
- GPS guidance system locks onto nearest McDonald’s instead of target coordinates
- Engine noise is indistinguishable from dying goat + leaf blower duet
- Warhead fuse so sensitive that three drones self-detonated during routine forklift transport across the tarmac
- “Stealth coating” is literally matte black spray paint that flakes off at Mach 0.3
- Customer support responded to my urgent “MY DRONE IS ON FIRE” message with: “Sorry for the inconvenience! Here’s 300 Temu coins toward your next tactical purchase 😀 ”
Flight test summary (six attempts):
- Crashed into friendly radar installation after 47 seconds
- Entered uncontrolled flat spin while chanting “Allahu Akbar” through malfunctioning speaker (not a feature we requested)
- Flew perfectly straight… directly into Caspian Sea
4–6. Refused to take off; collectively decided nap time was more strategic
I have now filed a formal dispute under Temu’s “Dissatisfied with Your Asymmetric Warfare Purchase?” policy. The seller has countered with: “Please try turning it off and on again. If still defective, enjoy our new 15% off coupon for tactical flip-flops.” To any procurement officers still browsing: save yourself the humiliation. Pay the extra $400 million and buy from people who at least pretend the product won’t try to kill you before the enemy does. This is not “good enough for government work.” This is barely good enough for government landfill. Verified Purchase
Date of experience: Every single day since the crates were opened
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