EXCLUSIVE: Inside the Democratic Party’s Strategic Efforts To Enhance Receptivity in Masculine-Coded Heteronormative Cohorts Through Data-Driven Holistic Outreach
Democratic donors and consultants have been meeting in luxury hotels to analyze the party’s inability to connect with male voters and propose alternative communications strategies. The results, according to the New York Times, have often resembled “anthropological studies of people from faraway places.” One liberal group is planning a $20-million campaign called “Speaking with American Men: A Strategic Plan,” or SAM for short, that will “study the syntax, language and content that gains attention and virality” in masculine-coded heteronormative communities.
The Washington Free Beacon has exclusively and semi-legally obtained an early draft of the data-driven blueprint for communicative outreach. Enjoy!
BASIC CONVERSATION
Instead of:
“Hi there. What are your pronouns?”
“Nice to meet you. Read any good female novelists lately?”
“Good morning. Are you ready to combat fascism?”
“Good afternoon. May I have consent to shake your hand?”
“Crazy weather we’ve been having. Climate change is an existential threat to humanity.”
“Don’t call me ma’am. It reeks of patriarchy.”
Please try:
“Hi, how are you?”
“Nice to meet you. Where are you from?”
“What do you like to do in your spare time?”
Overcorrection (do not try):
“Sup, bro? What do you like more—tits or sluts?”
“Wanna meet up later and do some ‘roids?”
“For sure, I would totally let Joe Rogan bang my wife.”
SPORTS
Instead of:
“Did you see the football match last night? Oh, sorry. Did you see the soccer game? I studied abroad in London.”
“Enough about Caitlin Clark. Real WNBA fans know that she is merely standing on the shoulders of all the giant lesbians of color who came before her. Am I right?”
“The Kansas City Chiefs can run a mean pick six, but they should pick a new name that doesn’t glorify colonial genocide.”
“Ugh. Golf courses are a huge drain on the nation’s water supply.”
“Sorry to hear your daughter had her ribs broken by a courageous transgender athlete, but have you considered the possibility that her hospital stay would’ve been a lot cheaper if we assassinated all the health care executives?”
“Adolf Hitler also loved sports.”
Please try:
“Are you a sports fan?”
“Duke fans are the worst.”
“LeBron James flops like a bitch.”
ENTERTAINMENT
Instead of:
“Country music is the opposite of brat. Darius Rucker is an Uncle Tom.”
“Dave Chappelle’s comedy is the rhetorical equivalent of violence. Chappell Roan is the answer.”
“You liked Top Gun? It’s a jingoistic farce. Ever heard of the military-industrial complex? I studied it at Columbia. Don’t even get me started on Call of Duty.”
“The entirety of English literature falls into one of two categories: Before Ta-Nehisi Coates, and after. Don’t you agree?”
“Who’s your favorite poet of the Palestinian armed resistance?”
“Can you believe that Kamala Harris lost? Queen Latifah endorsed her, and she never endorses!”
Please try:
“What’s your favorite Creed song?”
“Yes, I have noticed that Taylor Swift is no longer ‘hot’ after Trump said he hated her.”
“Oh, you’ve never seen the Handmaid’s Tale? That’s OK. Tell me about your favorite shows.”
TRANSPORTATION
Instead of:
“Yeah, I spent some time in Europe graduating from Harvard. The trains there are amazing, and there’s no good reason why we can’t have high-speed rail in America. Thanks, Big Oil.”
“Cyclists are noble creatures, saving the planet and revitalizing our cities. The future belongs to them.”
“Pickup trucks are a menace to society, armored threats spewing poison gas and toxic masculinity.”
“That unhoused gentleman defecating on the subway is part of what makes the city great. No, not him, the other one, over there by the masturbating junkie getting stabbed by his friend.”
Please try:
“I hear your concern about public safety.”
“Nice truck. You must have worked hard to be able to afford it.”
“No, you’re right. Cyclists are a menace to society. OK, I’ll shut up about high-speed rail.”
OPPORTUNITY
Instead of:
“Well, if you haven’t succeeded by now, it’s your own damn fault. Women of color have to work twice as hard. Enjoy the back of the line.”
“By the way, an immigrant who risked it all to come to this country could do your job for much cheaper, which would benefit everyone.”
“What do you mean you didn’t go to college? Not even, like, a state school?”
“The ‘male crisis’ is just history correcting itself. Equity feels like loss when you’re used to privilege.”
“Had to have high, high hopes for a living. Shooting for the stars when I couldn’t make a killing. Didn’t have a dime, but I always had a vision. Had to have high, high hopes. (High, high hopes).”
Please try:
“I feel your pain. How can I help?”
“Sorry about the moralizing tone. I guess you’re not inherently evil.”
“You’re right, maybe journalists should learn to code instead—at least until AI takes over. Then, Guantanamo.”
PATRIOTISM
Instead of:
“America is bad.”
Please try:
“America is good.”
MASCULINITY
Instead of:
“I could code talk to white guys watching football, fixing their truck doing that. I could put them at ease. I was the permission structure to say ‘look you can do this and vote for this.'”
“Part of it makes me think that, well, you just aren’t feeling the idea of having a woman as president, and you’re coming up with other alternatives and other reasons for that.”
“Your rage does not exist in a vacuum. If we don’t get this election right, your wife, your daughter, your mother, we as women will become collateral damage for your rage.”
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