Environmental Protection Agency Finds Breathing Doesn’t Threaten the Planet

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In good news for breathing aficionados everywhere, the Trump administration is preparing for what Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Administrator Lee Zeldin is calling “the largest act of deregulation in the history of the United States” by finding that when you exhale, you’re not endangering the planet.

For sixteen years it was settled law in the United States of America that not only was the earth endangered, all evidence to the contrary, but that exhaling carbon dioxide and emitting methane as well as nitrous oxide and water vapor were urgent threats to be regulated by the government.

The Obama administration spent its first months in office fanatically rushing through a ‘scientific review’ by the EPA that declared that carbon dioxide, methane, nitrous oxide and others were part of an ominous group known as “greenhouse gases” that had to be fought with every regulation necessary. The Obama EPA did thankfully exclude H20 or water vapor, probably the leading ‘greenhouse gas’ which ‘scientists’ blamed for about half the ‘greenhouse effect’.

Even the EPA understood that no one would take it seriously if it promised to get the water out of the air to save the planet. Not even if they renamed it something scary like Dihydrogen Monoxide.

The theoretical legal basis for having the government go to war against carbon dioxide, methane and nitrous oxide (with water vapor waiting somewhere in the wings) was the Clean Air Act. The CAA had been created in the sixties to keep pollutants from factories out of the air. The Obama administration rebooted it to keep carbon dioxide, methane and nitrous oxide out of the air which would only be possible with the extermination of all life on earth. Hope and Change.

What started with tracking smokestacks and acid rain had escalated into total genocide based on a myth about ‘greenhouse gases’ that had originally been derived from Percival Lowell, a 19th century New England dilletante who looked at Mars through a defective telescope and decided it had canals, and further decided that the canals had been built by Martians to conserve water because their planet had suffered an environmental crisis.

Despite being wrong about literally everything (much like the EPA and environmentalists), Lowell began writing extensive speculation about what life was like on Mars and Venus. Many took to speculating that Mars had lost its water and grew cold because it lost its atmosphere and that Venus became too hot because the planet trapped gases due to a “greenhouse effect”.

The term “greenhouse effect” was coined in response to Lowell’s planetary speculations.

Lowell was wrong about Mars and Venus, Obama was wrong about Earth. Lowell had a better excuse for confusing the lines on his telescope with canals than Obama, the EPA and liberal environmentalists do for being wrong about everything happening on the planet around them.

There’s no greenhouse effect, the icebergs aren’t melting, the climate isn’t being fundamentally transformed, the earth isn’t being endangered and human beings and farming aren’t to blame.

The EPA’s finding that exhaling and cow flatulence, as well fertilizer, endangered the planet was always wrong, it also, like so much that Barack Obama did, happened to be completely illegal.

Carbon dioxide, methane and other basic gases of life are not ‘pollutants’ that lower air quality. The EPA shoehorned an entirely different theory about the planet into the Clean Air Act that, despite a wrongful Supreme Court finding, the legislation from the 1960s was never meant for.

Furthermore the EPA’s Inspector General found that the agency had violated its own regulations, failed to run it by peer review and outsourced the whole thing to the UN’s IPCC organization (which the Trump administration recently pulled out of) that was at the time run by a railway engineer.

Rajendra Pachauri, the Indian railway engineer in question, was forced to resign from serving as chairman of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) in 2015 after winning the Nobel Peace Prize and multiple accusations of sexual harassment. He was also forced to admit that the IPCC’s prediction that the Himalayan glaciers would melt by 2035 were only based on a report from the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) which based it on a claim made by Syed Iqbal Hasnain, a Muslim ‘glaciologist’ in India in an interview to a reporter back in 1999, but had never written it down because it was “speculative”. If you stop by the Himalayas, the glaciers are there. And they’re probably not going to disappear in the next ten years either.

The Obama EPA claimed that it had to ban carbon dioxide because an Indian Muslim glaciologist made a “speculative” statement to a reporter in 1999 that never happened.

Percival Lowell confusing lines on his telescope for canals and inventing an entire Martian civilization (and in the process an entire genre of Science Fiction) was more scientifically rigorous than the EPA, the UN, the WWF and the entire environmentalist movement.

Removing the ‘endangerment’ finding is long overdue. It will mean lower energy costs, including gas prices (outside California, which requires a special seasonal fuel blend that comes from one refinery in Alaska and is taxed sixty different ways in order to save the planet) which will mean a healthier economy, more jobs and less worries that breathing will destroy the planet.

(Outside California.)

That’s a good thing for everyone except the tens of thousands of people employed in the environmental industry whose mission is to shut down, tax and take a piece of every actual productive industry in the country and on the planet. California, Massachusetts and other failed states will respond by unilaterally regulating the carbon dioxide, methane and other terrifying ‘greenhouse gases’ which will naturally skew the market across half the country for the worse.

You may be sure however that Gov. Gavin Newsom will sneak off to take a few breaths, mask off, at the French Laundry, no matter how much he regulates everyone else’s CO2 levels.

But the good news for the rest of us is that the earth isn’t endangered. So breathe freely.