Welcome to this week’s episode of “What is John Thune Doin’?” This is the show where we try to answer the questions, “Who is John Thune?” and “What is he doin’?”
To answer the first question first: John Thune, a Republican Senator, is the Senate Majority Leader. Now, those of you who aren’t familiar with how our government works may want to know: What does the American Senate do exactly? And the answer is: the American Senate does exactly nothing.
And you may say: “Well, if John Thune is the Senate Majority Leader and the Senate does nothing, then what is John Thune … doin’?”
Good question. That’s why we’re here.
To get to the bottom of this, our reporters met with John Thune for an hour-long interview. Unfortunately, shortly after the interview ended, they realized they hadn’t actually been talking to John Thune, but had instead interviewed the statue of Senator John Clayton in the Capitol Rotunda. In their defense, the statue just stands around all day, so it was an easy mistake to make.
Undeterred, our reporters proceeded to go to John Thune’s office, but accidentally ended up in a dark broom closet. There, they began to interview a mop, until they realized that couldn’t be John Thune, because a mop is actually good for something. Like, if your kid spills his juice on the floor, you can clean it up with a mop. Which is actually pretty useful. So definitely not John Thune.
But here at the Daily Wire, we don’t stop searching just because we can’t find the answers. In fact, we don’t even stop talking when we can’t find the answers. In spite of all our setbacks, we were determined to learn: What is John Thune doin’?
To help us in our search, we developed this handy Q and A.
Q: What is John Thune doin’?
A: Well, that’s what we’re trying to find out.
Q: But hasn’t President Trump asked John Thune to pass the SAVE America Act, which requires voters to have a picture ID?
A: Yes, he has.
Q: And doesn’t the SAVE America Act have the support of, like, a million percent of Americans?
A: Give or take a few percentage points, yes, it does.
Q: So… What is John Thune doin’?
A: You keep asking me that. Look, to be fair, there are some controversial parts of the SAVE Act. For instance, it bans transgender surgery on minors. This is a very divisive issue because, while 100% of Americans understand that sexually mutilating children is a Nazi-level atrocity, as many as 37% believe that pretending it’s okay makes them seem nice. Likewise, while 71% of Democrat voters support requiring voter ID, 98% of Democrat politicians oppose it, because, as Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer has said, “The Democrat party is a criminal organization in which all the criminals are obviously crazy, so if we can’t cheat at the polls, we’ll never win another election.”
Q: Wait. Chuck Schumer actually said that?
A: Maybe that was a dream I had. I’m not sure.
Q: So if the SAVE Act is so popular, why can’t John Thune get it passed?
A: Because under the filibuster rule, he needs 60 votes, and the Democrats won’t budge because of what Chuck Schumer said in my dream.
Q: So why doesn’t John Thune get rid of the filibuster?
A: Ah, because without the filibuster, when the Democrats win back power, they’ll pack the Supreme Court and steal elections by making Washington D.C. and Puerto Rico into states.
Q: What will the Democrats do if they win back power with the filibuster in place?
A: Then they’ll get rid of the filibuster, pack the Supreme Court, and steal elections by making Washington D.C. and Puerto Rico into states.
Q: So… what is John Thune even doin’?
A: All right, this Q and A isn’t getting us anywhere. To get at the essential nature of John Thune, we’re just going to have to interview another statue. Really, any random piece of marble will do. Or just a rock lying around somewhere. Even an empty space. Personally, I’d be happy to interview an empty space, if only I could find John Thune.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan.
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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