TEHRAN—In a development sources close to paradise are calling “mildly disappointing yet entirely predictable,” former Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei reportedly arrived in the hereafter late last month only to be greeted not by the promised 72 houris of Islamic tradition, but by 72 identical copies of American TikTok political commentator Harry Sisson.
According to celestial eyewitnesses speaking on condition of anonymity (due to ongoing NDA disputes with the divine HR department), Khamenei approached the radiant gates expecting the classic arrangement: wide-eyed maidens, flowing silks, eternal bliss, the usual package. Instead, he was met by a chorus of 23-year-old-ish young men in matching “Biden-Harris 2024” hoodies, all simultaneously explaining why Medicare for All is fiscally responsible and why critics of U.S. foreign policy are secretly funded by Moscow.
“It was like walking into a focus group that never ends,” one unnamed seraphim told reporters. “He asked for purity and eternal reward. He got a 45-minute PowerPoint on why student loan forgiveness is good actually, delivered in perfect unison.”
Sisson, the Singapore-born, Dubai-raised, Dublin-raised, now-New-York-based Democratic influencer known for his viral defenses of progressive policies and occasional Oval Office photo-ops, appears to have been selected for this duty through what heavenly officials describe as “algorithmic irony allocation.” The process remains classified, though leaked memos suggest it involves crossing “most online presence in defense of establishment liberalism” with “least likely to appeal to conservative theocrats.”
Khamenei, who spent decades denouncing Western cultural imperialism, decadence, and “Zionist-influenced social media,” was said to have remained composed during the initial encounter. He reportedly inquired whether any of the Sissons could recite classical Persian poetry or discuss Twelver Shia eschatology. All 72 responded in stereo: “Sorry, I’m more of a policy guy. Have you considered the benefits of ranked-choice voting?”
At press time, the former supreme leader was understood to be in an orientation session titled “Why Pronouns Matter in Paradise,” while the Sissons prepared a group TikTok dance routine set to a remixed version of “The Internationale” but with added reverb.
Iranian state media, now operating under interim management, has yet to comment on the development, though one surviving IRIB anchor was overheard muttering, “This is worse than the sanctions.”
More details as paradise leaks them.
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Jeremy Spoken
None of the snowflakes in an avalanche feels responsible.
