DEAR ERIC: Thirty-three years ago, I became pregnant and the man I was dating dropped me like a hot potato. I had the baby on my own and when he was two years old, I met someone who I later married.
After 20 tumultuous years we had a very ugly divorce. Before I began divorce proceedings, my son joined the Marines. I contacted him to let him know that his stepfather and I were divorcing, and he said he already knew courtesy of his stepfather.
I had gotten along fine with my son until this moment nine years ago. Since then, he won’t speak to me or return my texts, letters, phone calls and I haven’t seen him. If I call him and he answers he hangs up as soon as he hears my voice. I have no idea where he lives now (he’s out of the Marines) or what his life situation is.
My ex-husband and I do not speak to each other, but his social media picture is of him and my son.
I don’t know if I should keep trying to contact him. I have no idea why he cut me out of his life and he hasn’t told me. I wish we could make amends.
Any advice?
– Miserable Mom
DEAR MOM: I’m sorry this is happening to you. From what you’ve written, it’s not clear that you owe an amends. Now, of course, there could be other things that happened between you and your son. But the fact is, if he won’t tell you what’s wrong, or even that there is something wrong, then there’s nothing for you to fix.
It sounds like you’ve tried every avenue available to you in an attempt to reach him. It strikes me as cruel that he wouldn’t even write a letter back, even to air grievances.
For your own healing process, it will be helpful to stop reaching out for now. You may want to join support groups for parents who are experiencing estrangement or read “Done with the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children” by Sheri McGregor.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His memoir, Here for It, or How to Save Your Soul in America, which Lin-Manuel Miranda hailed as “pop culture-obsessed,…
