Boys growing up without dads are in crisis, report says

Charlie Jones

BBC News, Essex

Harley Watson was on a path to what he calls a “gangster” life.

The 17-year-old, from Clacton, in Essex, was a “lost and troubled kid”, having grown up without a dad.

“I was behaving very badly in school and, if I’d carried on, I would almost certainly have been excluded.”

His experience is echoed in a new report, which says young men who lack a positive male role model are in crisis.

Fatherlessness has a significant impact on boys’ mental health, education and future prospects, the Centre for Social Justice (CSJ) report found.

Aged 14, Harley joined Lads Need Dads, a local programme that equips boys with life skills and confidence.

Male mentors work with small groups of eight boys at a time, teaching them about healthy relationships, anger management and what makes a good dad.

Harley says it changed his life. He learned how to take care of himself and “become a better man”.

“Now they are supporting me to join the Army,” he adds. “They’ve bought me the kit and helped me meet the right people. It’s a career path I wouldn’t even have looked into but I’m really excited by it.”

Sonia Shaljean, who runs the organisation, says she knew Harley had huge potential, even though he was “quite shut down” when he joined them.

She believes fatherlessness is a key factor in issues from crime and addiction to school exclusions, homelessness and male suicide.

“It’s not taken seriously enough,” she says. “We skirt around the issue, and it’s almost controversial to say it, but boys need a supportive father figure.

“Some people are offended by our name – Lads Need Dads – but I stand by it. We’re not taking away from the importance of a mother, but that male influence is also important.

“Ultimately, we’re helping women and girls too by raising boys who are more emotionally intelligent, stable and secure.”

• By the age of 14, almost half of first-born children do not live with both natural parents, compared to 21% for those born in 1970

• Boys are now more likely to own a smartphone than to live with their dad

• Boys are struggling in education, more likely to take their own lives, less likely to get into stable work, and far more likely to be caught up in crime

• As the likelihood of a masculine presence in the home diminishes, young men are seeking new modes of masculinity, like the controversial social media personality Andrew Tate

• Lawrence Dallaglio, the former England rugby union captain, backed the report, stating: “We have been so careless in our downgrading of the traditional masculine virtues that we are in danger of leaving a whole generation behind.”

Source: CSJ – a Conservative think-tank focused on tackling poverty.

Sonia, who is a mother of three young men, says some boys who have grown up in violent homes can be fearful of men, so positive male role models are crucial.

“We work with them in the same group for up to eight years, so they build real friendships and it becomes like a family.

“Our groups are incredibly diverse. It’s a misconception that father absence is just an issue in certain communities.”

Not all fathers are absent by choice, she says.

“Some were wonderful dads but have sadly passed away. Some boys have been abandoned by their fathers but others desperately want to be involved in their sons’ lives and some even struggle with suicidal thoughts as a result.”

Around the eight-month mark of the programme, boys often start to talk about their fathers, she says.

“As their confidence grows, some feel ready to explore the possibility of reconnecting and many go on to re-establish a relationship with their dads.”

Sonia set up Lads Need Dads 10 years ago, with an initial grant of £4,000, having worked for more than 20 years on the frontlines of criminal justice, addiction, domestic abuse and homelessness.

“I kept seeing the same heartbreaking pattern – so many men stuck in cycles of crime, addiction, and hopelessness. And nearly every time, there was one thing they had in common: growing up without a father or a positive male role model.

“I thought ‘I’ve got to do something’. If we don’t provide a service for these boys we won’t break this cycle,” she says.

About 250 boys have been helped by the organisation.

Charlie Howlett, 19, says it saved his life when he joined six years ago.

His mother had died when he was a two, leaving his father to bring him and his younger brother up alone.

“My dad didn’t take it too well and it wasn’t the best situation growing up,” he adds.

The brothers moved in with their nan and aunt a few years later, but still remained close to their dad until he died suddenly from a blood clot when Charlie was 12.

Charlie tried to be strong for everyone and be the father figure. “But I couldn’t cope,” he says. “I was lashing out at everyone and started thinking about taking my own life.”

Lads Need Dads has given him an “unimaginable” amount of support, he says.

“I thought I was the only person going through it, then I met this group of boys my age who were also growing up without a dad.

“The mentors were a huge part of it for me. You grow to trust them like your own dad.”

Sonia and her team supported Charlie three years ago when his nan, who he was still living with, also died.

“They have helped me be a better big brother and I think that has kept him on a good path too,” he adds.

Sonia helped Charlie get a plumbing apprenticeship and, for the last year, he has also been mentoring boys on the programme.

“It’s a really good feeling to know I’m giving something back. I can see parts of myself in all of them,” he says.

Lads Need Dads also runs a reading mentor programme in primary schools and is piloting a new programme in September where, for the first time, male teachers will deliver a three-month intervention to Year 7 boys.

Despite its impact, Sonia says Lads Need Dads is struggling for funding.

“It’s so frustrating because I feel like we have this blueprint that works that could be rolled out nationwide, but I have to turn away mothers who don’t live in Essex, who are desperate for help for their sons.”

Sonia says society has to believe in boys like Harley and Charlie, and help them reach their potential and break the cycle of fatherlessness.

As for Charlie, he says he wants to carry on plumbing, see more of the world and continue mentoring boys. But his ultimate wish is to be a father.

“I can’t wait to be a dad. It’s the one thing in my life I know is exactly what I want. I want to be the best dad ever.”