US—Scientists and social commentators alike are sounding the alarm as a new, more virulent strain of Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) has emerged, dubbed Trump & Elon Derangement Syndrome (TEDS). This evolved psychological pathogen, which reportedly combines an irrational hatred of former President Donald Trump with a frothing-at-the-mouth disdain for billionaire innovator Elon Musk, is sweeping through urban centers, college campuses, and Twitter threads at an unprecedented rate. Experts warn that millions are already infected, with symptoms including compulsive rage-tweeting, spontaneous combustion during Tesla sightings, and an unshakable belief that both men are single-handedly responsible for every societal ill since the invention of the wheel.
“It’s like TDS on steroids,” said Dr. Karen Schadenfreude, a behavioral psychologist at Columbia University who first identified the variant during a heated Zoom call with her graduate students. “If TDS made people lose their minds over Trump’s every word, TEDS takes it to a whole new level by adding Musk into the mix. We’re seeing patients who can’t even look at a Cybertruck without screaming about how it’s a symbol of ‘capitalist oppression’ and ‘MAGA-fueled space colonialism.’ It’s terrifying.”
The origins of TEDS can reportedly be traced back to a perfect storm of events in late 2023: Trump’s announcement of yet another presidential run, Musk’s continued ownership of X (and his refusal to ban anyone who disagrees with him), and a viral meme that juxtaposed Trump’s golden hair with Musk’s Neuralink chip in a way that sent progressive influencers into a tailspin. Since then, the syndrome has mutated rapidly, with early symptoms including an inability to distinguish between Musk’s Starlink satellites and Trump’s border wall proposals. Advanced cases have led to sufferers chaining themselves to SpaceX launchpads while chanting, “No more billionaires, no more tweets!”
“I used to just hate Trump,” admitted Jessica Wokeington, a 29-year-old barista and part-time activist in Portland. “But then I saw Elon retweet one of Trump’s Truth Social posts, and something snapped. Now I can’t stop refreshing their feeds to see what they’ll do next. Last week, I threw my iPhone into a dumpster because I read that Neuralink might be in the next iOS update. I think I’m losing it.”
Public health officials report that TEDS is particularly contagious among coastal elites, blue-check journalists, and anyone who has ever used the phrase “systemic inequities” in a sentence. The syndrome appears to spread most rapidly in echo chambers like Reddit forums and MSNBC panels, where hosts have been observed breaking down in tears at the mere mention of Musk’s name while simultaneously clutching a Trump voodoo doll. In one notable incident, a CNN anchor reportedly suffered a full-blown TEDS meltdown on live TV, screaming, “They’re going to colonize Mars with MAGA hats!” before collapsing into a pile of Fair Trade coffee grounds.
Political analysts are divided on how to address the crisis. Some suggest that the only cure for TEDS may be a complete media blackout of both Trump and Musk—an unlikely prospect given their knack for dominating headlines. Others argue that the syndrome could be weaponized as a rallying cry for Democrats in the 2024 election, with slogans like “Vote Blue Before Elon Buys the Moon” already circulating on Etsy merchandise. Meanwhile, Republicans have seized the opportunity to troll the afflicted, with Trump reportedly planning a rally at a Tesla factory where he’ll hand out “Make America Electric Again” hats co-branded with SpaceX logos.
“It’s a witch hunt, folks, the worst witch hunt in history,” Trump told reporters outside Mar-a-Lago, gesturing wildly while holding a mock-up of a Tesla Model S painted gold. “They hate me, they hate Elon, they hate winning. But we’re gonna keep winning—on Earth, on Mars, everywhere. Believe me.” Musk, for his part, responded to the TEDS outbreak with a cryptic tweet: “If hating me helps you cope, go for it. Just don’t expect a free ride on Starship.” The tweet garnered 12 million views and triggered an estimated 50,000 TEDS-related meltdowns within hours.
The economic fallout from TEDS is already being felt. Sales of Tesla vehicles have plummeted in blue states as afflicted consumers opt for horse-drawn carriages to “stick it to Musk,” while Trump-branded merchandise has been banned from several college campuses after TEDS sufferers claimed the sight of a red hat triggered “existential dread.” Meanwhile, therapists report a 300% uptick in patients seeking treatment for TEDS-related anxiety, with some sessions devolving into hour-long rants about how Musk’s Boring Company tunnels are secretly funneling Trump voters into swing states.
“This isn’t just a mental health crisis—it’s a cultural one,” warned Dr. Schadenfreude. “If we don’t find a way to de-escalate, I fear we’ll see entire cities reduced to rubble as TEDS sufferers burn effigies of Trump and Musk in the streets while shouting about universal basic income and election fraud. It’s a dystopia I never thought I’d live to see.”
For now, the public is urged to remain calm and avoid engaging with anyone exhibiting signs of TEDS, which include excessive use of the word “fascist,” an inability to discuss anything other than Trump or Musk, and a sudden urge to write 5,000-word Medium posts titled “Why These Two Men Are the End of Democracy.” As one weary observer put it, “Maybe if we all just log off for a week, this thing will die out on its own.” But with Trump and Musk showing no signs of fading from the spotlight, the TEDS pandemic may be here to stay—at least until the next election cycle gives us something else to lose our minds over.
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