Little Rock, AR – In a move described by insiders as both “heartwarming” and “legally inventive,” former President Bill Clinton has officially adopted Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-CA), declaring the embattled congressman “the son I never had.”
The adoption was finalized after what sources called “a brief but meaningful conversation” with his wife, Hillary Clinton, who reportedly nodded once, sighed, and said, “Fine, but he’s not getting the foundation money.”
“I am extremely proud of my boy,” Clinton told reporters Tuesday, beaming with paternal satisfaction. “And a little disappointed. He’s got the instincts, but the execution needs work.”
Clinton said he immediately took Swalwell under his wing, offering fatherly guidance on what he termed “the family business.”
“First lesson: we don’t videotape the rapes,” Clinton explained patiently. “That’s Amateur Hour. Hell, if I hadn’t left a little DNA on Monica’s dress, I could’ve been jamming cigars in interns from coast to coast with zero consequences. Live and learn, son.”
The proud new father went on to praise Swalwell’s initiative.
“My boy didn’t wait for daddy to show him the ropes,” Clinton said, swelling with pride. “He was already rapin’ staffers and Chinese spies on his own time. No prompting needed. That’s a true Democrat right there.”
Swalwell, now legally Eric Clinton, released a statement through his new family’s communications team:
“I’ve always looked up to President Clinton. Not just for his policies, but for his hands-on approach to public service. I’m honored to carry on the legacy.”
Political analysts were quick to react. CNN reported that “Eric Clinton” has already filed paperwork to run for president in 2028, describing the announcement as “a fresh face with deep roots in Democratic tradition.”
Democrat men across the country reportedly celebrated the news with raised glasses and knowing nods. Several were overheard saying, “Finally, someone who gets it.”
Democrat women, by contrast, responded with quiet efficiency: bulk orders of rape kits, STD test kits, and industrial-strength mace have reportedly spiked 400% on Amazon in blue zip codes since the announcement. One anonymous DNC staffer was quoted as saying, “We’re not saying it’s going to happen. We’re just saying the odds are historically consistent.”
When asked for comment on the potential 2028 candidacy, Hillary Clinton offered only a tight smile and the single word: “Predators.”
Bill Clinton, however, remains optimistic.
“He’s got my charm, her ambition, and none of our baggage—yet,” the former president said. “If he plays his cards right, this kid could go all the way. Just remember, son: no cigars on camera, and always deny everything. That’s the Clinton Way.”
The family portrait is scheduled for next month. Chelsea Clinton has already declined to attend.
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