Washington, D.C. — In a move described by White House officials as “totally normal and definitely not weird,” President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he is replacing Attorney General Pam Bondi with a literal gaslight.
The antique brass fixture, sourced from a Mar-a-Lago guest bathroom and officially named “Gaslight 47,” was sworn in during a brief Rose Garden ceremony. Trump praised the new AG for its “incredible luminescence” and “unparalleled ability to make people question what they just saw with their own eyes.”
“Pam was doing a fantastic job, believe me, the best job,” Trump told reporters. “But this gaslight? Tremendous. It’s going to illuminate the Department of Justice like never before. When it flickers, you’ll know it’s working. And if you think you remember something differently — well, that’s just the deep state talking.”
White House aides confirmed the gaslight was chosen after extensive vetting. Unlike previous candidates, it requires no Senate confirmation, runs on natural gas, and has never once tweeted anything embarrassing. Sources say the fixture also excels at rewriting history in real time: one moment it’s casting a warm, reassuring glow; the next, it’s making everyone in the room swear they never supported whatever policy is now inconvenient.
Legal experts expressed mild concern. “This is the first time in American history that the nation’s top law enforcement officer is an object that literally runs on gas and exists primarily to distort perception,” said one constitutional scholar, squinting at the flickering light. “On the plus side, at least it’s transparent about being opaque.”
Democrats immediately decried the appointment as “yet another assault on reality itself,” while several moderate Republicans were seen nodding thoughtfully before quietly asking each other, “Wait, was Pam Bondi even here yesterday?”
The gaslight is expected to hit the ground running. Its first official act will be to review the 2020 election results “in a whole new light.” Insiders report it has already begun quietly undermining any staffer who claims to remember Trump saying something he now denies.
When asked for comment, the gaslight remained silent — which administration officials hailed as “a refreshing change from the previous AG’s tendency to speak in complete sentences.”
At press time, Trump was reportedly considering replacing Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent with a vintage smoke-and-mirrors set “just to keep things consistent.”
Visited 16 times, 9 visit(s) today
About Author
