Washington, D.C. – In a stunning Rose Garden announcement Tuesday morning, President Donald J. Trump simultaneously severed diplomatic relations with Israel, proclaimed the complete end of hostilities with Iran, and directed federal authorities to arrest every individual mentioned in the Jeffrey Epstein documents.
“Folks, we’re done with the old games,” Trump said, flanked by a visibly unsettled group of advisors. “Israel? Beautiful country, tremendous people, but enough is enough. We’re cutting ties. They can handle their own problems now — I’ve got bigger fish to fry. And while we’re at it, the mullahs in Iran just called me. Very respectful call. They folded. Hostilities over. Finished. And the Epstein list? Everybody’s going down. No more games.”
According to White House officials, Trump made the decision after what he described as “a very strong, very smart conversation” with Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei via Truth Social direct message. In exchange for peace, Iran reportedly agreed to abandon its nuclear program, rename Tehran “Trumpabad,” and broadcast The Art of the Deal on loop across state media.
At the same press event, Attorney General Pam Bondi confirmed that arrests had already begun on “every single name” appearing in the unsealed Epstein files. When reporters asked whether this included former presidents, royalty, billionaires, Hollywood elites, and several current administration figures, Bondi shrugged. “The president said everyone. We’re not picking and choosing. That’s what the deep state does. We’re draining the swamp, not redecorating it.”
Early indications suggest federal agents have detained Bill Clinton (for the umpteenth time), Prince Andrew (who reportedly inquired about diplomatic immunity for his feet), and multiple sitting senators who had previously dismissed the files as “baseless conspiracy theories.”
Trump continued: “These were very bad, very sick people. Now they’re heading to Trump Bay Resort — formerly Gitmo. Very luxurious. Five-star accommodations. No more excuses, no more ‘I was just flying on the plane’ stories. The files don’t lie. Unlike the fake news.”
When pressed on the abrupt break with Israel, Trump waved his hand dismissively. “They’re smart people. They’ll figure it out. We gave them billions — beautiful billions — and what did we get? Headaches. Now they can pay their own way. America First means America First, not Israel First, not Iran First, not Epstein First.”
Democratic leaders denounced the moves as “reckless isolationism mixed with authoritarian purges,” while several high-profile names from the Epstein documents were reportedly spotted boarding private jets to non-extradition countries. One anonymous tech billionaire was overheard at Teterboro Airport muttering, “I always knew April Fools’ Day was a trap.”
Israeli officials expressed shock, with one aide describing the announcement as “a joke in very poor taste.” Iranian state television, meanwhile, hailed the deal as “a historic victory for the Islamic Republic” and claimed Khamenei was already designing a new presidential palace shaped like a golden Trump tower.
At press time, Trump was said to be reviewing additional executive actions, including potential tariffs on “countries that don’t say nice things about me” and a federal holiday honoring “people who finally admit I was right about everything.”
“Big, beautiful day for America,” the president concluded with a grin. “Peace with Iran, justice on Epstein, and no more blank checks for anyone. April Fools? No — this one’s real. You’re welcome.”
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