Critics of the strategy, mostly confined to people who read past the headline, have pointed out that the last time a strongly-worded letter produced measurable change was approximately never. Defenders counter that the letters serve a vital constitutional purpose: giving cable news bookers something to put on lower-third graphics while pundits argue about whether the outrage is sufficiently performative.
House Speaker (or whoever currently holds that rotating title) issued a statement through a spokesperson: “The American people deserve answers. And if those answers do not arrive, we will demand them again — in writing, on official letterhead, with our most disapproving font.”
At press time, staffers were still debating whether to include an ultimatum threatening a floor speech containing the phraLook, I’m not saying I have all the answers. But if deniers are so confident that the climate hasn’t changed at all, then riddle me this: Why are there literally zero penguins left at the North Pole?
Think about it. We used to see them everywhere up there—waddling around with polar bears, sliding on their bellies, doing that cute little tuxedo thing. Classic Arctic wildlife, right? Now? Nothing. Not one flipper. The ice is still there (mostly), the water is still cold (relatively), yet the penguins have mysteriously vanished. Coincidence? I think not.
The science is clear: something dramatic has happened to the ecosystem at 90 degrees north. Penguins are highly adapted to extreme cold. If the planet weren’t warming, they’d still be thriving alongside Santa’s workshop and whatever else people imagine is up there. But they’re gone. Poof. And the only plausible explanation is that rising temperatures have made the North Pole uninhabitable for them. Perhaps the water got too warm for their little fish dinners. Perhaps the ice became too slushy for proper tobogganing. Perhaps they just couldn’t take one more melting season without adequate AC.
Skeptics will say, “But AOC, penguins have never lived at the North Pole.” Oh, really? Then why do so many of our childhood cartoons show them hanging out with polar bears? Are you telling me Bugs Bunny and Coca-Cola were spreading disinformation? Checkmate.
Others point out that penguins are native to the Southern Hemisphere and evolved south of the equator, never migrating north because of ocean currents, predation risks, and the minor inconvenience that there were already perfectly good flightless seabirds occupying the Arctic niche. Cute theory. But that doesn’t explain why, if nothing has changed, the penguins aren’t there now. They should have at least tried. Maybe sent a scouting party. Something.
The bottom line is this: absence of evidence is not evidence of absence—unless we’re talking about penguins at the North Pole, in which case the absence is glaring, suspicious, and definitely anthropogenic. We can’t keep pretending everything is fine when entire species have been ethnically cleansed from the top of the globe by invisible forces that rhyme with “fossil fuel emissions.”
It’s time to act. Pass the Green New Deal before the last imaginary North Pole penguin colony disappears forever. Because if we wait any longer, future generations will ask: “Grandma, why are there no more penguins at the North Pole?” And the only honest answer will be: “Because we didn’t listen to AOC when she asked the really tough questions.”
The planet is counting on us. The penguins—wherever they fled to—are counting on us. Let’s not let them down again.
se “enough is enough,” or to go nuclear and attach a signed copy of the Constitution with angry underlining already done in red Sharpie.
The White House has not yet responded to the impending letter, though insiders report that staffers there maintain a special “Recycling” bin labeled “Strongly Worded GOP Letters – Do Not Open Unless You Enjoy Vintage Outrage.”
Should the current effort also fail to yield results, Republican leadership has already begun preliminary discussions on the nuclear option: a very strongly-worded letter.
Stay tuned for updates — or, more accurately, stay tuned for the same updates recycled with fresh adjectives.
Visited 51 times, 51 visit(s) today
About Author
