Warning that every flaccid member across the globe now represented a ticking time bomb in his hands, cackling Hims CEO Joseph Ludlum released a statement Friday in which he threatened to pull a switch that would activate all the world’s erections at once.
In the three-minute video address, which was broadcast suddenly to millions of screens across the planet, Ludlum dared world leaders to question his resolve and stood before a massive electrically charged array that he referred to as the Universal Engorgement Generator. Sources confirmed that as energy crackled through the minimalist, pastel-colored laboratory in the recording, Ludlum insisted that only if his demands were met could the planet avoid the mass chaos that would ensue if the genitals of countless men were to grow harder than anyone could ever imagine.