In a rare display of journalistic restraint, major news networks announced this morning that they would be immediately ceasing all coverage of a mass shooting that occurred late last night, citing “a critical mismatch between the incident and our current editorial template.”
Sources close to several cable-news control rooms confirmed that producers had been prepared to run wall-to-wall coverage—complete with live aerial shots, somber violin beds, and seventeen consecutive hours of retired-FBI-profiler analysis—until preliminary reports identified the suspect as neither white nor cisgendered male.
“Once the sketch came in and we saw the pronouns in the social-media bio, the room basically deflated,” said one senior producer who spoke on condition of anonymity because he still has bills to pay. “We had the chyron graphics locked and loaded: ‘TOXIC MASCULINITY CLAIMS MORE LIVES.’ But you can’t just swap that out for ‘COMPLICATED IDENTITY DYNAMICS AT PLAY.’ The audience would riot. Or worse—change the channel.”
Media critics noted that the decision aligns with long-standing industry best practices, informally known as the “Rule of Narrative Hygiene.”
“If the shooter checks too many intersectional boxes in the wrong direction, the story risks becoming counterproductive,” explained Dr. Meredith Voss, adjunct professor of Applied Discourse Studies at Georgetown. “You don’t want to accidentally platform a narrative that complicates the national conversation. Better to let it fade quietly into the ‘other gun violence’ bucket next to car accidents and lightning strikes.”
At press time, the death toll stood at fourteen confirmed fatalities and one network executive reportedly hospitalized with acute narrative dissonance. Several outlets have already replaced their breaking-news banners with more suitable fare:
- “New Study Finds 73% of Americans Experience Mild-to-Moderate Climate Anxiety”
- “Celebrity Chef Apologizes for 2017 Tweet”
- “Is Your Therapist Secretly Judging You? Experts Weigh In”
A brief on-air statement from one major network summed up the consensus view:
“We will, of course, continue to monitor the situation. Should new facts emerge that restore the incident to its proper ideological valence, we stand ready to re-engage with the appropriate level of moral urgency. Until then, we invite viewers to join us for our next segment: ‘Why Pineapple on Pizza Is a Hate Crime.’”
This is an ongoing story. Or rather, it isn’t.
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Jeremy Spoken
None of the snowflakes in an avalanche feels responsible.