WASHINGTON — Fearing for the lives of thousands of Marines, Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) urgently advised the Trump administration Tuesday that Kharg Island may capsize if U.S. troops are deployed there, potentially triggering an environmental and humanitarian disaster of biblical proportions.
“Look, we almost lost Guam a few years ago and I don’t want to see history repeat itself again,” said Rep. Johnson in a slow southern drawl of ignorance. “That island is full of oil and refineries. Putting too many people on it will cause a catastrophe.” Johnson added confidently, gesturing broadly as if balancing an invisible landmass on his palms.
The congressman took to the House floor to voice his concerns, while every other member of Congress sat back and laughed openly. Undeterred, Johnson thanked his brilliant constituents for continuously voting him in, declaring himself “the smartest one in my district.”
“You would think the people in his district would reject someone so stupid, but you have to wonder if he’s the best they got,” said House Majority Leader Steve Scalise (R-LA). “Johnson makes MTG look like MENSA.” He added.
Hard-hitting journalists immediately descended on Johnson’s Georgia district in search of comment from voters. CNN’s Jake Tapper, looking visibly relieved, reported live: “Nope, he’s the best they got.”
Democrat viewers at home reportedly applauded and wept with pride, while the rest of the nation simply wept.
Johnson, building on his earlier Guam prophecy, expanded his warning to the president directly. “Mr. Trump, Iran may look like one big landmass on your fancy maps, but Kharg Island is the key. It’s delicate. One wrong move with boots on the ground and the whole thing tips right over into the Persian Gulf. Then we’ll have oil slicks from here to Florida and mullahs dog-paddling to safety. Think of the coral reefs.”
White House officials dismissed the remarks as “geographically creative.” A Trump spokesperson noted dryly, “The president remains confident that Iran will not capsize, flip, or otherwise behave like a poorly loaded cargo ship. We have the best military in the world, and our planning does not currently factor in the buoyancy of sovereign nations.”
Environmental activists, however, hailed Johnson as a visionary. “Finally, someone in Congress is addressing the very real threat of troop-induced capsizing,” said a spokesperson for the newly formed Institute for Island Stability. “We must consider the weight-to-surface-area ratio before any invasion.”
As of press time, Rep. Johnson was reportedly preparing a follow-up speech on whether the entire country of Iran might be at risk of “listing dangerously” if too many aircraft carriers linger nearby, citing “basic fluid dynamics” he claims to have studied extensively between sessions of Congress. His office confirmed he is also exploring legislation to require all future military briefings to include a “will it tip over?” assessment.
Visited 141 times, 10 visit(s) today