Los Angeles/Saint Paul – In scenes of shocking civility, an estimated 14 million Americans descended on the streets of Los Angeles and the Twin Cities Saturday for the “No Queens” marches, an event dedicated to the radical proposition that two of the country’s most polished progressive governors should perhaps stop governing like performance artists.
Crowds stretched for miles, waving signs that read “Recall Round Two,” “Walz: Tampon King of the North,” “Newsom: Cross Legs No Balls,” and the understated classic “Please Stop.” Participants wore normal clothes, arrived on time, and somehow managed not to set anything on fire—an occurrence so rare in modern American protesting that national news outlets briefly ran chyrons asking, “Is This Still America?”
“We’re here because we’re exhausted from living in states run like poorly scripted dystopian Netflix specials,” said Sarah Thompson, a mother of four from Orange County who traveled with three other moms carrying a banner that read “Our Kids Deserve Better Than Your Virtue Signals.” “Newsom treats California like his personal runway for presidential ambitions, while Walz turned Minnesota into the national testing ground for every failed idea from defund-the-police to boys in girls’ locker rooms. Enough.”
In Los Angeles, marchers passed the skeletal remains of businesses that had fled the state under Newsom’s layered taxes, regulations, and crime policies. One particularly enthusiastic group paused outside the former site of a popular restaurant that closed after repeated smash-and-grab robberies, holding up a sign: “Thanks for the memories and the boarded-up windows, Governor.” A brief chant of “No more hair, no more flair, California needs fresh air” drew laughter and scattered applause.
In Saint Paul, speakers took turns cataloging Walz’s greatest hits: the tampon mandate for boys’ bathrooms, the glowing praise for rioters in 2020, and the quiet implementation of policies that made Minnesota a destination for gender-confused minors seeking state-supported medical experiments. One retired teacher held a simple placard: “I taught kids how to read. Walz taught them how to hide from reality.”
Organizers emphasized that the marches were not about policy disagreements alone, but about basic competence. “We can survive bad ideas,” said event co-coordinator Marcus Rivera in Los Angeles. “What we can’t survive is leaders who smile for the cameras while the power grid fails, the streets fill with tents, and schools teach children that their sex is a suggestion box.”
Governor Gavin Newsom, reached while filming a new campaign ad against a green screen of fake wildfires, called the marches “a sad display of right-wing grievance politics” and reminded reporters that California remains “the envy of the nation—if you ignore the exits, the deficits, and the human waste on the sidewalks.” He then pivoted smoothly to praising his own haircare routine.
Minnesota Governor Tim Walz issued a statement from an undisclosed location, describing the protesters as “extremists” who “hate joy, hate progress, and probably hate public school lunches.” When pressed on why Minnesota now leads the nation in certain categories of youth mental health crises and teacher shortages, his office replied that those statistics were “problematic” and required further “equity review.”
As the sun set, marchers in both states cleaned up after themselves—an act of environmental stewardship that reportedly confused nearby climate activists who had expected fossil-fuel-powered chaos. Organizers announced follow-up events in additional states under the banner “No More Clown World Governors,” promising more signs, fewer drum circles, and zero tolerance for leaders who prioritize pronouns over potholes.
One departing participant summed up the day’s mood while folding his “Walz for Vice Nothing” flag: “We’re not asking for perfection. We’re just asking them to stop treating our states like expensive social experiments with real human beings as the lab rats.”
No counter-protests of any notable size appeared. Insiders suggested most potential opposition was busy attending a separate rally titled “Defend Democracy by Shouting Down Anyone Who Disagrees With Us.”
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