In a memo that stated they couldn’t even smell the stuff without gagging, officials at the Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday a plan to ban Captain Morgan rum, citing the fact that they’d had way too much of that shit in college. “Captain Morgan Rum is not suitable for…ugh, we just need to get rid of that disgusting garbage,” FDA commissioner Robert M. Califf said between pauses to suppress his body’s reflexive urge to vomit, adding that Bacardi Raspberry would also be made illegal for human consumption as he finally retched into a mop bucket.
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