In a stunning announcement that has finally put to rest decades of conspiracy theories, the Federal Bureau of Investigation confirmed today that conservative commentator Charlie Kirk was killed earlier this year by the very same “magic bullet” that assassinated President John F. Kennedy in 1963.
FBI Director Kash Patel, speaking at a hastily convened press conference outside the Turning Point USA headquarters, described the findings as “conclusive and frankly overdue.”
“After exhaustive ballistic analysis, forensic re-enactments, and a thorough review of warehouse inventory logs, we can state with full confidence that the projectile recovered from Mr. Kirk’s untimely demise matches—down to the last pristine deformation—the CE 399 bullet famously known as the ‘magic bullet,’” Patel said. “It appears the round, having lain dormant in evidence storage for six decades, spontaneously reactivated and embarked on a second career.”
Sources within the Bureau report that the bullet, long criticized for its improbable trajectory through Kennedy and Governor John Connally, apparently grew restless in retirement. “It was bored,” one anonymous agent confided. “Sixty-two years in a box will do that to ammunition.”
The bullet’s journey to Kirk remains under investigation, though early theories suggest it may have hitched a ride on a flatbed truck during a routine evidence transfer from the National Archives. Witnesses in Phoenix reported hearing a faint whistling sound followed by Kirk clutching his neck during a live podcast, moments before collapsing.
White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre praised the FBI’s breakthrough, calling it “a testament to American persistence.” When asked whether the administration planned to retire the bullet permanently, she replied, “We’re exploring options, including a dignified ceremony and possibly a display case with better locks.”
Conspiracy theorists, long divided over the original assassination, have unexpectedly united in celebration. “Finally, closure,” said one prominent online commentator. “Though I do worry it’s now going to take out Tucker next.”
Turning Point USA has announced plans to honor Kirk with a memorial statue depicting him mid-debate, captioned: “He argued with facts… and one very determined bullet.”
The magic bullet could not be reached for comment, but sources say it is currently in protective custody and “not considered an ongoing threat—at least until the next conservative with a large platform emerges.”
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