‘Public servants are sobbing under their desks’
Donald Trump is doing what he promised to do during the campaign by unleashing Elon Musk and his efficiency minions on the federal bureaucracy to eliminate taxpayer-funded DEI programs and other forms of wasteful spending. Democrats have reacted in the usual way by shrieking nonsensically about the sanctity of bureaucrats and attempting to break into federal buildings. NBC News spoke to government employees who described the situation as an “Orwellian nightmare” akin to “psychological warfare.” CBS News interviewed a longtime USAID employee in the midst of a panic attack, disguising the bureaucrat’s face and voice like some mafia snitch. “Um, I have a family like most Americans, and I want to be brave,” the employee said.
The Washington Free Beacon was also interested in hearing directly from the besieged bureaucrats who may soon be forced to get a real job for once in their lives. That’s why we have exclusively and semi-legally obtained the following entries, written in the early days of the Trump administration, from the personal diary of a junior administrator at USAID (who will not be named at this time).
Enjoy!
10:39 a.m.
Woke up to 11 missed calls and 53 texts on my personal phone. Lost my work phone months ago after having lunch with that nice Chinese lady who was interested in buying some of my dumpster art. (Never heard back, natch.) When I finally figured out what was going on, it hit me like the murder of Cedric Diggory by Wormtail, the conniving Death Eater, at the end of ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.’ All remote workers were being called back to the office. The Republicans fascists had arrived to implement their cisnormative fatphobic Zionist white supremacist agenda. Played ukulele for Hillary and cleaned her compost bin.
11:15 a.m.
Listened to the Jennifer Rubin podcast in the shower, then called my other boss at Greenpeace to tell him (thanks, patriarchy) I was taking another sick day. Tried to DoorDash some avocado toast on the USAID account. Declined!!! WTF??? Called emergency therapist while brushing my teeth, then again from the car on the way into D.C. Traffic sucks, but the Metro is unsafe and unreliable (thanks, GOP). Sent a long group text to the polycule. Got a voice message from my colleague [redacted] who said her trip to Cambodia was cancelled without explanation. Her team was prepping for months to fulfill their critical mission of performing a renowned alternative theater symposium on climate feminism for historically disadvantaged sex traffickers. THIS IS WHAT AUTOCRACY LOOKS LIKE.
11:46 a.m.
Pulled over for texting. ACAB!!!
12:01 p.m.
Voldemort is in the house, y’all, and I’m literally not kidding. First time back in the office since March 2020, and this is worse than Gaza. Public servants are sobbing under their desks. The vibe is one of tragic apocalyptic suffering. TVs spew right-wing talking points from CNN. An invading army of Latinx janitors, traitors to their own people, have defiled our refuge, installing new signs to re-segregate the bathrooms by birth gender. They already trashed the macramé dreamcatchers we made for Indigenous People’s Day, not to mention our 7th place trophy display from the ‘Evade Inequity’ dodgeball tournament last week to raise money for the Islamic-Atheist Alliance. The self-care sanctuary was turned back into a conference room, the male menstruation space turned back into a kitchenette. Tried logging into my Politico Pro account after consoling several victims. Determined to read up on what it is I actually do here in case someone asks. Access denied!!!
2:35 p.m.
WHAT THE F—??? Lord Voldemort VoldeMusk and his fascist thugs are committing actual violence now. Was packing up to leave at my regular logoff time, but was told I had to keep working or resign. My tears of rage soaked into the polymer fibers of my N95 respirator, which they asked me to take off as if we weren’t in the midst of a deadly pandemic. I told them I needed to go home and start prepping Hillary’s anti-anxiety enema, and they just laughed. I threatened to tell HR, but they assured me the ban on laughter was revoked, along with the ban on working past 11 a.m. on Thursdays and Fridays. I have never felt more terrorized or literally enslaved. WE COULD HAVE CHOSEN JOY!!!