In a dramatic escalation of his long-running feud with conservative America, Bruce Springsteen has issued what aides are calling his “most nuclear artistic ultimatum yet”: he will personally force Republican lawmakers and Trump administration officials to endure repeated playings of his entire discography until mass deportations are halted.
Commenters have claimed that this tactic worked well for Pink and her ear cancer, that Bruce Springsteen has decided to give it a shot.
The Boss, speaking from a dimly lit New Jersey garage studio where he reportedly wrote, recorded, and mixed the threat in under 47 minutes, declared, “Born to Run. Born in the U.S.A. Nebraska. The River. If they think they can round up working people and ship them out while ‘Dancing in the Dark’ still exists in the world, they’ve got another thing coming. I’ll make them sit through the full ‘The Wild, the Innocent & the E Street Shuffle’ deluxe edition with commentary track. No bathroom breaks. No filibusters. Just me, Clarence Clemons’ saxophone solos on loop, and their own consciences.”
Sources close to the Springsteen camp say the plan involves transporting GOP members of Congress to undisclosed E Street Band listening parties, where they will be strapped into ergonomic chairs (for “maximum emotional impact”) and subjected to marathon sessions of Darkness on the Edge of Town, The Rising, and the rarely performed full Western Stars suite. “We’re talking hours of harmonica,” one insider whispered. “Hours.”
Republican leaders responded with predictable defiance. House Speaker Mike Johnson called the proposal “torture under the guise of folk rock,” while Senator Ted Cruz suggested counter-programming with a non-stop loop of “God Bless the U.S.A.” by Lee Greenwood “until Springsteen admits ‘Nebraska’ is just sad acoustic whining.” Former President Trump, posting from Truth Social, dismissed the threat as coming from “a washed-up guy who hasn’t had a hit since the 80s—overrated, low energy, probably can’t even fill a rally anymore.”
Undeterred, Springsteen doubled down in a follow-up statement delivered entirely in verse form: “You can take my amps, you can take my Telecaster / But you can’t take the working man’s last disaster / Deport the dreamers, deport the hope / I’ll deport your eardrums with ‘I’m on Fire’ on dope.”
Music industry analysts remain skeptical of the strategy’s effectiveness. “It’s bold,” said one Billboard contributor, “but Republicans have already proven they can withstand four years of ‘The Ghost of Tom Joad’ without changing a single policy position. This could backfire spectacularly—next thing you know, we’ll have senators claiming ‘Thunder Road’ is about border security.”
As the standoff continues, Springsteen has reportedly begun rehearsing an extended 22-minute version of “Jungleland” specifically tailored for filibuster-breaking purposes. White House officials, when reached for comment, simply sighed and asked if anyone had Advil.
The nation waits, headphones at the ready.
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Jeremy Spoken
None of the snowflakes in an avalanche feels responsible.