Loosening his tie upon returning home from a long day of work, local insurance adjuster Patrick Wandel informed reporters Tuesday of his intention to relax and take the edge off with a decades-long slide into alcoholism. “I busted my ass today, and now I just want to take a load off and kick back with a slow, crippling 30-year descent into alcohol addiction,” Wandel said as he sank comfortably into his sofa and the beginnings of a struggle that will one day culminate in a diagnosis of early-onset liver disease.
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